Catholicism: A sales pitch

Most people cringe when they think of televangelists mixing faith with marketing and money. But if I was an advertising consultant, how would I promote Catholicism?

One 2,000 year old faith.

Benefits include:
Eternal life: courtesy with the grace of God.
Free spiritual advice: at your local parish
Sin anniliation service: through confession
Purgatory insurance cover: for those who aren't completely perfect
Excommunication: disposal of heretics for doctrinal clarity.
Free baby wash service upon birth of new family members: total remission of all sins included.
Free top quality worldwide television service with EWTN.
Spiritual communion with new family of 1 billion members.
Largest healthcare provider in the world promoting the dignity of the human person.
Outstanding education service - schools and universities included.
Great travel holidays- Lourdes, Fatima, Rome all included.
Extra mother provided free: intercession possible.
A historical, cultural, architectural, artistic and spiritual heritage beyond measure.
Papacy: Rock of the greatest civilization known to man.

H/T Love Undefiled